This post marks the end of our four-part blog series on dealing with difficult emotions, and today we’re talking about a very important skill: radical acceptance. Before you read on, please make sure you’ve read parts one, two and three of this series. While you can read these posts individually, you’ll get the most benefit from them if you read them in order. They’re designed to help you identify and manage your emotions with pragmatic, easy to follow advice (essentially, how to take control of your emotions so they don’t control you).
We hope you’ve found this series helpful—if so, please share these posts with a friend, family member or colleague! Now, on to today’s topic: how to practice radical acceptance. If you have any questions or would like to learn more about homecare services in Toronto, please contact us. We’d be glad to hear from you!
What is radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance may be a term you’re unfamiliar with, but there’s a good chance you’ve already experienced it or seen it in action. It refers to the action of accepting your reality wholeheartedly and completely, even if it’s not a reality you’re happy about. For example, if you or a loved one is diagnosed with an illness, it may result in some big feelings—and that’s valid. But getting angry or sad won’t change the diagnosis so at some point, you need to accept it in order to move forward productively and in a healthy headspace.
“The goal of emotional regulation is not to eliminate our feelings, but to truly understand and appreciate their purpose when we do experience them,” explains our Director of Care, Bethel Lascano (RN BScN). “In doing so, we are motivated to respond in ways that will promote protection and healing. Hopefully with time and practice, decrease the frequency and intensity when we are experiencing our negative emotions.”
In our previous blog posts, we looked at the choices we have when faced with any problem: fixing the problem, changing how we feel about the problem, or learning to tolerate the problem because we understand that it cannot be changed (illness is a good example of the latter). This is where radical acceptance comes in—to help us peacefully deal with difficult feelings that arise from situations we cannot change.
Acceptance doesn’t always mean happiness
If you are faced with a difficult situation that cannot be changed—the loss of a loved one, learning that a family member has dementia, or receiving a medical diagnosis outside of your control—there is power in accepting the reality of the situation. This does not mean feeling happy about it or even putting a positive spin on something that’s hard—that won’t help, either. It simply means accepting that reality so you can deal with those negative emotions in a healthy way.
“Rejecting reality does not change reality. Pain can’t be avoided—it’s nature’s way of signalling that something is wrong,” Bethel says. “Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering, it can keep us stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful emotions.”
Acceptance isn’t always easy—it may lead to grief or sadness—but a deep sense of calm usually follows. This is because it’s the first step in moving forward and getting through a difficult life event. Radical acceptance helps turn the mind in a new direction and forges a new and necessary path. This willingness to accept what’s happening—even if you feel nothing but negative emotions about it—is what starts you on a healing path.
Setting positive intentions can help us define this path forward. As Bethel explains, an intention is a thought or statement that you’re committing to or planning to do. Affirmations are another tool that can be used. A positive affirmation is a statement of profound truth that can be said to yourself during difficult times. “Allow your affirmation to be loud and clear in your mind,” Bethel advises. “You can say it quietly or out loud—it’s up to you and the energy you’re feeling in that moment.”
Bethel recommends this simple but effective statement when dealing with negative behaviours in others: “I radiate love from within. Not because of who they are, but because of who I am.” It’s a great reminder of what you can and cannot control, and a reminder to practice radical acceptance and self-love.
Balance is key
Finding balance is imperative to holistic self-care, and there are many areas in our lives that contribute to our overall well-being. Neglecting one area too much can sometimes hinder your ability to take care of the other areas. When we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, neglecting our physical needs can disrupt all other efforts. Anyone who’s ever been grumpy from being sleep deprived and/or hungry will know that this is true! To avoid this, make an effort to fill your cup in these areas:
- Spirituality and sense of purpose/vocation
- Rest and sleep
- Good nutrition and exercise
- Relationships (family, friends, community)
- Work, financial, career
- Intellectual stimulation
- Creativity and play (hobbies and recreation)
You may have to assess and evaluate which area you value more and do what it takes to live consistent with your values. And whatever you’re doing, do it wholeheartedly and with intention.
Thank you so much for reading. We hope it’s been helpful, and we encourage you to reach out to our team if you have any questions or feedback. We’ll wrap up this series with one final note from Bethel: happy vibes from my heart to yours!